Bonds Tees: Show us what you've got!

Bonds Tees: Show us what you've got!

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The things that matter me, well a few more important ones are located around the tee. See if you can pick what they are ....

Fuck you, Backstabber!

Every time I begin to think life is beginning to go well, people remind me why I don't like them so much. Yet as much as I try to not care and let it get to me, sometimes it does and today it one of those times. I just don't understand. Did I directly or even indirectly do something to upset or offend them? Today it feels like my mere existence is what has irritated them. *sigh* It all seems so petty when you step back and look at it. The facebook groups joined after I send an sms or the bitchy remark tweeted over a picture I posted. You know what? We're no longer friends. I don't need shit like this bringing me down. I'd rather be lonely than spend the rest of my life being depressed.

It makes me think, though, which leads to tears, what is it that leads to one moment being a good friend and the next this shit?? Did I say or do something?? Is there a part of my personality that irritates you?? Does my life and direction intimidate you?? Not that I want to change, I like myself just the way I am, but I'd just like to understand. People really baffle me. I can now understand why some women end up as Spinsters with cats. Cats are so much easier to have in your life than people. None of this nice to your face, then stabbing you in the back the second you turn around. The same goes for all pets .... What you see is what you get and there are no hidden agendas.

Though another thought ... This isn't the first time this backstabbing bitchy-ness has happened, which gets me thinking, what is it about me that makes people think they can treat me this way?? Maybe it's not me personally, but the people I attract ... I must have been born with a big neon sign above my head stating "Treat me badly, It's all good."

Though is this just what everyone is like?? Deep down they are mistreating assholes. I don't want to think like that. I am holding onto a small shred of hope that there is a nice person out there, one guy waiting just for me to come along. I'm a nice person, loving, hard working, dedicated, loyal, quirky, with an understated sense of romance, independent, unconventional, passionate. Though I can be moody and distant, I like my space aka I can't stand clingy people, quiet, yet opinionated.

I have to have hope in the end of it all. I must try not to let it get to me. *sigh*

Who could ask for anything more??

It hit me yesterday. As strange as this may sound, it is currently the second only time in my life I can remember it being drama free. And I like it!!!!

No family calling to drag me into the middle of their petty dramas or to talk constantly about themselves, Nothing!!

It's all so calm and quiet and absolutely divine! I wish this could last forever, but realistically, I'll enjoy it whilst it lasts.

Soundwave, Mon cheri

Class got cancelled today again. It seems to have become a recurring thing, which of course I don't find out about until I get there at 8:30am. Such a pain in the butt!! I was all prepared for a full day of machining. Bummer!!

So instead I had lunch with Lisa and caught up with what happened over the weekend. Twas lovely! We sat in the sunshine, while it lasted, and ate toasted snadwiches.

After lunch, I had to pick up a letter from the post office. Look what was in it ....

I am so pumped!!! I always seem to have a great day Soundwave! :) I've only been for the past two years and have only fond memories. Like 2008, I was running around in bright colours and got to meet Dan and Julio from As Tall As Lions. They are nice guys. Julio was so chatty that day. It makes me smile when I think back on it. The weather was nice and sunny during the day and a little chilly that night. I got to see Kevin Devine, As Tall As Lions, Mewithoutyou, City and Colour, Jim Ward .... They were my particular favourites.

Then there was this year. Oh it was a scorcher!!!! But at least I didn't get burnt. I fondly remember the sprinkler shower thing and being absolutely drenched and the water fight with Steph and James. I giggle ridiculously when I think of getting to meet John, Will and Shaun of Straylight Run. I must have been as red as a tomato and could barely string a sentence together. Oh and Shaun remembered Steph and I dancing along the night before at their sideshow at Next and Will kinda remembered meeting me and the biscuits I made for them. Everything after that is a blur. I adore them! :) Their music has meant so much to me over the years and still does. They also signed my copy of The Needles The Space ....

I'm strange I know ......

Mysterious ....

It has been 8 years since that fateful day when my life was turned inside out and upside down. I can't say that even now I understand why it happened. All I know is things have never been the same since. I went from being a normal, nerdy teenager to one having to grasp the dissolution of her family while still trying to lead a normal life, keep the household running and get good grades.

It was 19th September 2001, when my mum awoke to find my sister, Peta had taken an overdose of drugs. She was on my bedroom floor. I was in New Zealand on a student exchange program 2 weeks away from returning home. Luckily, Mum found Peta when she did. Mum managed to revive Peta while my dad called an ambulance. I have days that I doubt whether it was lucky that Peta was revived. With everything that has happened since then, You too would feel the same. But when I look at what I have done since then and the life that I am leading, what has happened has made me more determined, appreciative, opportunistic and in a way more loving of those who deserve it. Though the shit that has happened makes it hard to trust people and let them into my heart. I can't ... I won't allow myself to be hurt like that again.

Today brings back memories of being yelled at for reasons unknown to me, trying to understand where Peta is coming from and trying to help her, then there was the constant barrage of abuse (both verbal and physical from those who you least expect it from), being practically invisible to my entire family and so on. No words can describe adequately the sinking feeling in my heart and the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the things that come flooding back and so many other things that I can't bring myself to say. But do you really want to know every detail of all of the bad things I've endured over the past 8 years??

Is it any wonder I don't talk to my family anymore? Can you blame me when 8 years on it's still happening and no-one seems to care? My fmaily consider it par for the course, just a part of life as a Jackson. And I'm the worst in the world for standing up to them and saying enough is enough, bound with legal documents.

On another note, Yom kippur, the day of atonement is next weekend and there is something solemn and symbolic about the day. Not that I am religious, but there is something wonderful seeking forgiveness from  a higher power and being forgiven.

I have come to accept everything that has happened in my life has happened for a reason and that has made me a better, strong person. I was meant to go through these trials. Why?? I'm not sure yet, but i will know it when I get there.

Fight your demons when they start to show

I'm not good at this whole blogging thing, even my attempts at keeping a diary as a kid were lame .... It's hard to be totally honest when you know it could be used against you. Anyway, I'm going to post whatever takes my fancy.

Today a recipe.

My Chocolate Cake.

Ingredients:
1 & 1/2 cups of Self Raising Flour
1 cup Sugar
1/2 teaspoon Bi-carb Soda
1/2 cup Cocoa Powder
125g (4oz) Margarine
dash of Vanilla Essence
2 Eggs
1 cup Milk

Preheat oven to 180 degrees Celsius or 350 Fahrenheit. Mix dry ingredients. Add the wet ingredients. Mix thoroughly. Pour mixture into a greased baking tin. Bake in the oven for approximately 40 minutes.

I like this recipe because it's easy to make and really tasty. My mum used this recipe to make birthday cakes for my sister and I when we were kids. FYI, I make it the best!!

Some helpful hints from one whiz in the kitchen to another.

• When greasing the tin, I like to line the bottom with baking paper. It makes it easier to remove the cake later.
• You can always make the cake more interesting by adding chocolate chips or mixed berries or fruits before baking, I like to add mixed berries and turn them into muffins.
• Before you take the cake out of the oven, check it is cooked the whole way through. An easy way is to poke a skewer through the middle of the cake. If it is "clean" (no mixture, crumbs are acceptable) as you pull it out, you have yourself a baked cake.
  
• You can ice the cake when its cool or dust with icing sugar and serve with ice cream. A simple tasty icing can be made by mixing icing sugar, cocoa powder and margarine. I don't have exact quantities, but when making icing always add the margarine or water or egg, even colouring a little at a time. You want a creamy consistency, not too runny or watery that it sides of the cake.
• I'm lactose intolerant which can be such a pain, but substituting is easy. I use soy milk instead (can't even taste the difference) and a canola based margarine.

One last word of advice:

Never cook angry!!!

Quick update

It's been a little while since I posted anything. I guess I've been busy or motivated again. The short version of life recently is:

Family: No-one calls me or replies to my letters, I don't call them. So I have concluded no news is good news.

School: No a fan of this semester purely because my classes seem to be getting mucked around a lot more. For example, its about half way through the semester and I should be getting to a reasonably good at CNC programming ..... I'm barely past where I should have been by week 4. Though that was assuming there was actually a decent teacher in the first place, who knew what they were doing.

Work: Same ol' same ol'. Nothing exciting to report. Though this whole Swine Flu "pandemic" still irritates me ... the whole being in pharmacy and people in all their ignorance claiming every sneeze and wheeze to be H1N1.

Love life: Still non-existent, but I can't complain too much. It is much like my social life these days. Too poor to go out, not cool enough for some people (I thought they were my friends. I guess I was wrong), and those are above all else lovely and a true friend are in relationships. Not that I'm complaining, but they come as a package deal and I miss the one on one randomness.

A good saturday night for me these days is curling up on the couch with the cat on my lap and watching a movie.

See ... I'm not cool.