Mysterious ....

It has been 8 years since that fateful day when my life was turned inside out and upside down. I can't say that even now I understand why it happened. All I know is things have never been the same since. I went from being a normal, nerdy teenager to one having to grasp the dissolution of her family while still trying to lead a normal life, keep the household running and get good grades.

It was 19th September 2001, when my mum awoke to find my sister, Peta had taken an overdose of drugs. She was on my bedroom floor. I was in New Zealand on a student exchange program 2 weeks away from returning home. Luckily, Mum found Peta when she did. Mum managed to revive Peta while my dad called an ambulance. I have days that I doubt whether it was lucky that Peta was revived. With everything that has happened since then, You too would feel the same. But when I look at what I have done since then and the life that I am leading, what has happened has made me more determined, appreciative, opportunistic and in a way more loving of those who deserve it. Though the shit that has happened makes it hard to trust people and let them into my heart. I can't ... I won't allow myself to be hurt like that again.

Today brings back memories of being yelled at for reasons unknown to me, trying to understand where Peta is coming from and trying to help her, then there was the constant barrage of abuse (both verbal and physical from those who you least expect it from), being practically invisible to my entire family and so on. No words can describe adequately the sinking feeling in my heart and the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the things that come flooding back and so many other things that I can't bring myself to say. But do you really want to know every detail of all of the bad things I've endured over the past 8 years??

Is it any wonder I don't talk to my family anymore? Can you blame me when 8 years on it's still happening and no-one seems to care? My fmaily consider it par for the course, just a part of life as a Jackson. And I'm the worst in the world for standing up to them and saying enough is enough, bound with legal documents.

On another note, Yom kippur, the day of atonement is next weekend and there is something solemn and symbolic about the day. Not that I am religious, but there is something wonderful seeking forgiveness from  a higher power and being forgiven.

I have come to accept everything that has happened in my life has happened for a reason and that has made me a better, strong person. I was meant to go through these trials. Why?? I'm not sure yet, but i will know it when I get there.