Just a side note ....

There are moments that stand out in an evening that you don't forget, that linger for days. And for all the right reasons. I had a hug on Monday night that covered me in a feeling of warmth, like I am loved and someone cares about me. And it is undoubtably comforting. I must admit it's not something that happens to me much these days. Usually a hug is just a hug. A moment of human contact, with little or no significance. Then once in a while, in sneaks up on you and means a little more. And it made me feel good, which seems such an inadequate word and made me realise why I liked him in the first place. But hey ......

Waiting on something that will never come.

I seem to be having these moments more and more lately where I feel lonely. My usual complaints are I have no family nearby, not that I even talk to any of them and I don't have my friends either. I'm a little socially awkward and not too good at intimacy either. But I crave some company. The friends that I do have I feel like I'm imposing when I want to hang out with them or talk. I mean they have their lives and partners. I feel like my petty little things are just something they don't need weighing on their minds or getting in the way. It would be nice to have someone to hang out with, talk about similar interests or curling up in bed with.

Ideas are not reality.

But that aside, I'm around 200 pages from finishing War & Peace and noticed something in Tolstoy's depiction of these charming, high society women. Anna Karenina, Helene Bezukhov are very similar. They were conisdering charming and beautiful and integral parts of Russian Society. Yet they weren't satisfied with being married and desired and having trysts with young men. They wanted more and immediately. They wanted a divorce from their respective husbands to be with their younger lovers. I can't remember if Karenina got a divorce, but she went of to live with Vronsky in the South of France regardless. But to spoil the ending, She committed suicide to end the sufferings her wandering eyes had created. Not just within herself, she was missing her son grow up and those imposed upon her husband. The heartache of separation and the negative way society viewed him because of the predicament with his wife and considering divorce was highly frowned upon and almost a sin.
Yet Bezukhov had no children with Pierre. She had many more dalliances and merely weeks before her own ending, she was trying to decide between two men. To her the idea of waiting to hear from Pierre (estranged would be the better word for their relationship) in regards to a divorce was all to painful for her.
When you read both these books, you can see that Tolstoy saw these women for who they were, for their selfish ways who got what they deserved from their own hands.

Double negatives frustrate me when they are used correctly.

A little bit of rambling

Life get lonely sometimes. I try to find the light in the dark, but occasionally there is no warmth in the light.


Anyway, Life isn't so bad. I'm building a life I can call my own.

Since I last blogged not much has happened. Just school and work. I started 2 new night classes this week in Mechanical Drive Components and Manufacturing Processes and had an interview with Transfield Services about the possibility of work placement. Also this is my first impoverished/very little food week for the year. All of these bills caught up with me and my food budget went from $50 to $10. It amuses me a little to have only baked beans and two minute noodles for the week. Trying to be creative and make filling food as well, it's a challenge, an amusing one.

hmm ... what else? I ditched school today in favour of sleeping in. It was only an introduction to Electrical Wiring class. It's a  piece of piss and I highly doubt I would have missed much.
Oh my cousin Lisa is pregnant with her first child. That makes me very happy. She is a wonderful person and deserves all the happiness. I've been thinking for christmas, I would send her a little package filled all the things you will need. ie baby paracetamol, nappy rash cream, bath oil, wipes, lanolin cream, nursing pads, and so on.

Does it make you feel better to know we're all just sinners?

I am currently watching The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe on tv, while drinking a white tea with ginger.

 ... then I thought do I have anything interesting to blog about?? Well, no, in all honesty. I have, though, finished applying for a Mechanical engineering degree for next year and I purchased some plants to grow on the kitchen window sill. I post pictures after I've re-potted them and they've grown some more. At least that way I know they'll live. They only cost me $7 from Aldi and the margeriette daisy was wilting a little. Nothing a little tlc can't fix.

.... I hate this part where Alsan offers his blood instead of Edmund's. He goes to meet the "Queen of Narnia" at the Stone Table and her followers beat and shave Alsan before she stabs him. And I know he's an animated lion, but the look on his face breaks my heart.

... If you haven't already worked it out the Chronicles of Narnia are very near and dear to me. I read and re-read them when I was 8. I read them again recently with nostalgia and remembered very vividly why I love them so. I even named my cat after the fawn Lucy meets, Tumnus. Any way ....

Au revoir, mon cher!

Bonds Tees: Show us what you've got!

Bonds Tees: Show us what you've got!

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The things that matter me, well a few more important ones are located around the tee. See if you can pick what they are ....

Fuck you, Backstabber!

Every time I begin to think life is beginning to go well, people remind me why I don't like them so much. Yet as much as I try to not care and let it get to me, sometimes it does and today it one of those times. I just don't understand. Did I directly or even indirectly do something to upset or offend them? Today it feels like my mere existence is what has irritated them. *sigh* It all seems so petty when you step back and look at it. The facebook groups joined after I send an sms or the bitchy remark tweeted over a picture I posted. You know what? We're no longer friends. I don't need shit like this bringing me down. I'd rather be lonely than spend the rest of my life being depressed.

It makes me think, though, which leads to tears, what is it that leads to one moment being a good friend and the next this shit?? Did I say or do something?? Is there a part of my personality that irritates you?? Does my life and direction intimidate you?? Not that I want to change, I like myself just the way I am, but I'd just like to understand. People really baffle me. I can now understand why some women end up as Spinsters with cats. Cats are so much easier to have in your life than people. None of this nice to your face, then stabbing you in the back the second you turn around. The same goes for all pets .... What you see is what you get and there are no hidden agendas.

Though another thought ... This isn't the first time this backstabbing bitchy-ness has happened, which gets me thinking, what is it about me that makes people think they can treat me this way?? Maybe it's not me personally, but the people I attract ... I must have been born with a big neon sign above my head stating "Treat me badly, It's all good."

Though is this just what everyone is like?? Deep down they are mistreating assholes. I don't want to think like that. I am holding onto a small shred of hope that there is a nice person out there, one guy waiting just for me to come along. I'm a nice person, loving, hard working, dedicated, loyal, quirky, with an understated sense of romance, independent, unconventional, passionate. Though I can be moody and distant, I like my space aka I can't stand clingy people, quiet, yet opinionated.

I have to have hope in the end of it all. I must try not to let it get to me. *sigh*

Who could ask for anything more??

It hit me yesterday. As strange as this may sound, it is currently the second only time in my life I can remember it being drama free. And I like it!!!!

No family calling to drag me into the middle of their petty dramas or to talk constantly about themselves, Nothing!!

It's all so calm and quiet and absolutely divine! I wish this could last forever, but realistically, I'll enjoy it whilst it lasts.

Soundwave, Mon cheri

Class got cancelled today again. It seems to have become a recurring thing, which of course I don't find out about until I get there at 8:30am. Such a pain in the butt!! I was all prepared for a full day of machining. Bummer!!

So instead I had lunch with Lisa and caught up with what happened over the weekend. Twas lovely! We sat in the sunshine, while it lasted, and ate toasted snadwiches.

After lunch, I had to pick up a letter from the post office. Look what was in it ....

I am so pumped!!! I always seem to have a great day Soundwave! :) I've only been for the past two years and have only fond memories. Like 2008, I was running around in bright colours and got to meet Dan and Julio from As Tall As Lions. They are nice guys. Julio was so chatty that day. It makes me smile when I think back on it. The weather was nice and sunny during the day and a little chilly that night. I got to see Kevin Devine, As Tall As Lions, Mewithoutyou, City and Colour, Jim Ward .... They were my particular favourites.

Then there was this year. Oh it was a scorcher!!!! But at least I didn't get burnt. I fondly remember the sprinkler shower thing and being absolutely drenched and the water fight with Steph and James. I giggle ridiculously when I think of getting to meet John, Will and Shaun of Straylight Run. I must have been as red as a tomato and could barely string a sentence together. Oh and Shaun remembered Steph and I dancing along the night before at their sideshow at Next and Will kinda remembered meeting me and the biscuits I made for them. Everything after that is a blur. I adore them! :) Their music has meant so much to me over the years and still does. They also signed my copy of The Needles The Space ....

I'm strange I know ......

Mysterious ....

It has been 8 years since that fateful day when my life was turned inside out and upside down. I can't say that even now I understand why it happened. All I know is things have never been the same since. I went from being a normal, nerdy teenager to one having to grasp the dissolution of her family while still trying to lead a normal life, keep the household running and get good grades.

It was 19th September 2001, when my mum awoke to find my sister, Peta had taken an overdose of drugs. She was on my bedroom floor. I was in New Zealand on a student exchange program 2 weeks away from returning home. Luckily, Mum found Peta when she did. Mum managed to revive Peta while my dad called an ambulance. I have days that I doubt whether it was lucky that Peta was revived. With everything that has happened since then, You too would feel the same. But when I look at what I have done since then and the life that I am leading, what has happened has made me more determined, appreciative, opportunistic and in a way more loving of those who deserve it. Though the shit that has happened makes it hard to trust people and let them into my heart. I can't ... I won't allow myself to be hurt like that again.

Today brings back memories of being yelled at for reasons unknown to me, trying to understand where Peta is coming from and trying to help her, then there was the constant barrage of abuse (both verbal and physical from those who you least expect it from), being practically invisible to my entire family and so on. No words can describe adequately the sinking feeling in my heart and the feeling in the pit of my stomach and the things that come flooding back and so many other things that I can't bring myself to say. But do you really want to know every detail of all of the bad things I've endured over the past 8 years??

Is it any wonder I don't talk to my family anymore? Can you blame me when 8 years on it's still happening and no-one seems to care? My fmaily consider it par for the course, just a part of life as a Jackson. And I'm the worst in the world for standing up to them and saying enough is enough, bound with legal documents.

On another note, Yom kippur, the day of atonement is next weekend and there is something solemn and symbolic about the day. Not that I am religious, but there is something wonderful seeking forgiveness from  a higher power and being forgiven.

I have come to accept everything that has happened in my life has happened for a reason and that has made me a better, strong person. I was meant to go through these trials. Why?? I'm not sure yet, but i will know it when I get there.

Fight your demons when they start to show

I'm not good at this whole blogging thing, even my attempts at keeping a diary as a kid were lame .... It's hard to be totally honest when you know it could be used against you. Anyway, I'm going to post whatever takes my fancy.

Today a recipe.

My Chocolate Cake.

Ingredients:
1 & 1/2 cups of Self Raising Flour
1 cup Sugar
1/2 teaspoon Bi-carb Soda
1/2 cup Cocoa Powder
125g (4oz) Margarine
dash of Vanilla Essence
2 Eggs
1 cup Milk

Preheat oven to 180 degrees Celsius or 350 Fahrenheit. Mix dry ingredients. Add the wet ingredients. Mix thoroughly. Pour mixture into a greased baking tin. Bake in the oven for approximately 40 minutes.

I like this recipe because it's easy to make and really tasty. My mum used this recipe to make birthday cakes for my sister and I when we were kids. FYI, I make it the best!!

Some helpful hints from one whiz in the kitchen to another.

• When greasing the tin, I like to line the bottom with baking paper. It makes it easier to remove the cake later.
• You can always make the cake more interesting by adding chocolate chips or mixed berries or fruits before baking, I like to add mixed berries and turn them into muffins.
• Before you take the cake out of the oven, check it is cooked the whole way through. An easy way is to poke a skewer through the middle of the cake. If it is "clean" (no mixture, crumbs are acceptable) as you pull it out, you have yourself a baked cake.
  
• You can ice the cake when its cool or dust with icing sugar and serve with ice cream. A simple tasty icing can be made by mixing icing sugar, cocoa powder and margarine. I don't have exact quantities, but when making icing always add the margarine or water or egg, even colouring a little at a time. You want a creamy consistency, not too runny or watery that it sides of the cake.
• I'm lactose intolerant which can be such a pain, but substituting is easy. I use soy milk instead (can't even taste the difference) and a canola based margarine.

One last word of advice:

Never cook angry!!!

Quick update

It's been a little while since I posted anything. I guess I've been busy or motivated again. The short version of life recently is:

Family: No-one calls me or replies to my letters, I don't call them. So I have concluded no news is good news.

School: No a fan of this semester purely because my classes seem to be getting mucked around a lot more. For example, its about half way through the semester and I should be getting to a reasonably good at CNC programming ..... I'm barely past where I should have been by week 4. Though that was assuming there was actually a decent teacher in the first place, who knew what they were doing.

Work: Same ol' same ol'. Nothing exciting to report. Though this whole Swine Flu "pandemic" still irritates me ... the whole being in pharmacy and people in all their ignorance claiming every sneeze and wheeze to be H1N1.

Love life: Still non-existent, but I can't complain too much. It is much like my social life these days. Too poor to go out, not cool enough for some people (I thought they were my friends. I guess I was wrong), and those are above all else lovely and a true friend are in relationships. Not that I'm complaining, but they come as a package deal and I miss the one on one randomness.

A good saturday night for me these days is curling up on the couch with the cat on my lap and watching a movie.

See ... I'm not cool.

I am excited for this...

Something to say & no-one's listening

I'm feeling pretty sooky today. It seems silly, but I was reading saw one of Adam Lazzara tweets about how much he misses his wife and it upset me. Why? .... because why can't I have that. Why can't I have all that love and stuff and someone to miss other than my cat. Don't get me wrong he deserves to be happy and all that jazz. I'm just jealous. I wish that I could be that happy too.

.... I'm not desperate though ......

Anyway, I got to help kids makes aluminium aeroplanes at Try-A-Trade. See......

I am now a pro at solid and pop rivets!

Apparently, the program co-ordinator of my course would like to use photos of me for Engineering course promotional material. :O Surreal would be the word for it. I don't mind at all, if they want to, but modesty is making me feel a little awkward about the idea. Though nothing is official yet. 

I've got a job interview tomorrow at Galactic Circus. More on that subject tomorrow.

It's the first day of winter today. Not exactly my favourite season. I prefer Summer and Spring, though my allergies don't. What I do like about Winter, though is beanies, scarves, and soup. I would love to have a morning where I could just curl up under a blanket with a book and a cup of tea. 

Keeping warm, whilst writing this blog.

People have weird tatts

Browsing through loltatz, is amusing me immensly.

This came in the mail last week. It always make me smile when AP comes in the mail. It does ten fold when Taking Back Sunday is on the cover. <3

I can't say that my life is even remotely interesting. It pretty much revolves around school or work, then come home and annoy my kitty, Tumnus.

He likes hiding behind the blinds. :)

Though last week, my life was pretty awesome. I finished a tap wrench and it works perfectly. Also Wednesday and Thursday were the pinnacle of my week. Those being the days I was at Austech. My torque wrench was on display at the RMIT stand, which is pretty darn fantastic. My work was recognised as being on of the better ones in the class. Yay! Even though the arm is about 5mm too short. Shhh!! Just don't tell anyone. I have to remake that part before the end of semester and calibrate it. 

It gets better from there. I was approached by AMTIL (Australian Manufacturing Trade Industry Limited) to help them out as a tour guide for school groups. I only did 2 tours, but still it was a great experience and opportunity to network. I got 3 business cards!!! The only time I get anyone's number. hahahaha!! And its all work related. Though one not work or school related thing that made my legs turn to jelly, was meeting Rick Kelly, V8 Supercar driver. I was shaking like a leaf, afterwards. I was completely composed talking to him, but turned to butter afterwards. Next highlight, I got my name engraved on a pen for free.

Now I'm roped into another RMIT trade program promotion on thursday. All I really have to do is help students in year 8 & 9 make aluminium airplanes whilst teachers from RMIT talk about the various courses available. Pinnacle of my social life!

Failing

Today was a boring day. I worked and tried to keep busy. 

I am failing at re-dying my clothes. 

My legs have finally gone back to normal, rather than the logs of jelly they were. 

Latest issue of AP came in the mail today. Taking Back Sunday on the cover. I am rather excited to read that article. :) 

The new Star Trek movie is AWESOME!!!! I went with my lovely friend, Tarah .... We were the ONLY  nerds in the cinema. Giggling at everything and squealing at each other in excitement. Win all round! I think we annoyed the guy sitting next to us. hahaha So next weekend, we are planning on having a Star Trek marathon. We're clearly cool. 

TV fails tonight. I am waiting patiently for Supernatural to start and I can't stop farting. Its really rank. :S 

I am really boring right now. I have nothing to sook about or evenly remoting interesting to say. So on that note ........

Another family orientated rant.

Would it be wrong of me to disown them??

My own mother said I had no respect for her. What the fuck?? Where the hell does this shit come from??

Okay so I called her to wish her a Happy Mother's Day, only to have her go on and on about how she has had a nervous breakdown and is selling everything she owns and moving down the coast somewhere. Also how she has down everything for us kids and we have done nothing but disrespect her and "Kick her in guts" (her own words). She lumped me in the same category as my psycopathic sister. I am nothing like my sister. I have always had the utmost respect for her and everything she has done for me. I understand that everything she did, was done with the best of intentions. Am I invisible to her?? 

What I do love though, is during our conversation, I said that it is always about her, which is true. We've had conversations where she has talked about herself for 20 minutes and not once asked me how I was or what I had been up to. But upon pointing this out to her, she ignored my comment and still carried on talking about herself. And .... and she was not excited or even the least bit enthused that my torque wrench will be on display at an exhibition. It really hurts knowing that the people who are meant to love me unconditionally, don't. I have never felt as alone in this world as I do now. 

I stand here with her disapproval staring me in the face and I look around only to see the life that I am forging for myself. It is above and beyond anything that I could have imagined happening. For once in my life, I have a career in mind for myself that I am passionate about and want so much that I will do almost anything to get it and nothing ... no-one is going to stand in my way. I try to surround myself with good people, good friends. And yet I am so hurt that I don't feel that I can eat, let alone get out of bed in the morning. But I do and I don't let a single soul see how heartbroken I am. No-one should know that my heart feels like it has been shattered into a millions pieces, or being sucked with unbelievable force into a black hole. I feel as though my insides are sinking into the pit of my stomach and disintergrating. Sometimes I just want to sit there and cry, but I just don't have the tears, nor the energy to just let myself go and feel it all just flow out of me.

"They say what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. Well, maybe some of us are just so sick and tired of being so damn strong."

Another Badge of Courage - BoySetsFire.

Happy freakin' Mother's Day

I called my nan in advance to wish her a happy mother' day. She was really enthused to hear it was me who rang. Her response was a very disappointed, "Oh!". Wow! Do I feel loved or what? I am shocked, but not entirely suprised. My family is fucked and have completely unrealistic expections for relationships and reactions to traumatic events. You can all go to hell!!!!!

Anyway, I don't need 'em. I got my kitty and my friends and they are a million times better than that lot of relations.

But .... I have exciting news, which I am telling everyone. The torque wrench I made at school is being display at an RMIT stand at Austech Expo 2009. Feeling pretty special, I must admit. 

Why am I watching bad tv?

Waiting, waiting, waiting .... waiting for that all important phone call to tell how the Court case went. It's frustrating! And it's not as though I can call the police officer, who was going to inform me of the results, because I don't have a contact number for her. I know that there is another person to contact, but I am not in the mood for having that conversation with her. Her, being my mum and that conversation, being the one along the lines of making me feel guilty for doing what I can to take care of myself. I know how irrational that sound, but any dealings with my mum and/or sister are not rational. But when you know what Peta is capable of and have walked in my shoes, you wouldn't hesitate for one moment to take out an AVO.

 She has assaulted me in the past, to explain some of where I am coming from. One night, I don't even know why it all started, she hit mum in the face and went on to attack me as I was walking away from her. She repeatedly hit me at the base of my skull and continued on until she was pulled off of me by our uncle, who struggled to pull her off me. If he wasn't there, I know she would have killed me. Without a doubt, the force behind each blow, the rage that was inside of her, she wouldn't have ended until it was the end of me.

Then there was the time she was arrested for drink driving in Canberra and it took 4 policemen to put her in the paddy wagon. *sigh of frustration* She has being doing stuff like this on and off for the past 8 years and yet she gets away with it.

It's a frustrating situation and I just want a resolution. 

But that aside, life is good. :) I could potentionally be starting a course next month in CAD Operations, which would be awesome. I mean, it's way ahead of when I'd being doing it in Engineering - Advanced Trade and it would be excellent to get a head start and I feel completely and utterly capable of doing it now. I want to be an Engineer so badly and I would be excellent at it, that I will do anything, but not of the sexual variety, to get it. Hence the maths tuition - to make sure I'm grasping it and working at an RMIT stand at a machinery expo next week and then I found out that there are positions available at a production post out at Airport West with some aviation company that is working on the vertial thrusters in fighter planes. EEEEEPPPPP!!!! Could you imagine doing work placement there??  OH - MY - LORD!!!!! I'm so excited by the thought of it!!! 

I have never been as certain of anything in my life as I am of this - that I am going to be an Engineer, whether it's aviation or mechanical. I am going to do it and kick butt in the process. :D

The First Blog of Many

I haven't posted a blog in many, many years and decided it was time to vent my spleen in a different medium. So where do I begin?? .....

I could start with the whole depressing saga of my relationship with my sister and the AVO, which has ended it. 

I guess things with my sister have always been rocky. It's just this time, I'd had enough. I'm so sick and tired of being treated like dirt from someone who is meant to care about me and love me unconditionally, yet instead she harrasses me, threatens violence and my death, never seems to factor in that I am more than someone she can just push around and blame everything on and expect me to be okay with it the next day. Her unpredictable violent behaviour has lead to me fearing for my life and safety for the last time. I can't take anymore of this unhealthy relationship. I'm so tired of having to be the strong one and taking everyone's shit. This is the last time I will sit idlely by and let her threaten me. If anyone who wasn't family did what she has done to me, they would have been stopped instantly. Yet it has taken 8 years of bullshit and death threats for me to take a stance. An extreme situation lead to a logical and seemingly not so extreme reaction/solution. ie she invited back to Goulburn for her 21st, then threatens to hurt me and kill me and expects me to be okay with that/let her get away with it. So as an act of self preservation, I called the Police and requested an Apprehended Domestic Violence Order be taken out against. Requested accepted! She goes to court on Wednesday regarding the charges, which she and mum have requested that I drop .... Not over my dead body. Actions have consequences. These are the consequences she will have to live with, potentionally jail time. I will not feel guilty for taking a stance!!!!!